Self Improvement

Hello Readers,
If you've been keeping up with my last few posts you know that I am on a mission to find a meaningful relationship.  The last couple steps I've taken have involved me taking a good hard look at myself and figuring out what I bring to the table.  This next step is also an introspective one:
Step 3: Self-Improvement
Now unless you are Jesus himself, there is room for improvement. This step is not meant for you to be harsh on yourself and make you dwell on your imperfections, but it is important that you are real with yourself.  Just like I had you write down all of your strengths, I want you to write down your weaknesses.  The goal of this step is to take initiative in making yourself a better half.  For example, let's say you have bad credit, your not in healthy physical condition, or you aren't very social, these are all issues that can be fixed with some time and effort.  There is never a obstacle so great that it cannot be overcome.  It helps if you at least recognize it is a problem, from there you can find ways to improve it. It's important to remember that not everything can be solved in a day, some things may take months or even years to fix, but once they are you will feel such a great sense of relief knowing that you overcame a great hurdle.

Ex.  Large amount of debt/Bad Credit:  get in contact with the bank or creditor and come up with a solution to minimize or eliminate your debt.  In this economy many people are having trouble and most companies are willing to work with you.  Make sure to have a reliable source of income and most importantly make a budget for yourself and STICK TO IT!!! You also want to pay yourself first by putting at least 10% in a savings account that can be used for emergencies.

It's vital that you remember that no matter how bad your situation may seem it can be fixed.

Know Your Role

In my last post I introduced some of the steps I'm taking in order to find a meaningful relationship.  Step one was to play up your strengths, I made this the first step because it can be so easy to fall into a negative mindset when thinking of why you're single, this way you are encouraged to think of the positive before even having time to get depressed.  As I sat to make a list of good things about myself I realized that I'm a catch... This is not to sound cocky, but to get you to understand that you are in fact worth it!  Too often I am surrounded my beautiful, intelligent, and successful women who feel that the reason they're single is because they simply aren't qualified.  This couldn't be farther from the truth, the problem isn't in what you lack, but in how you present yourself.  Lacking confidence is the equivalent of smelling like the falafel you had for lunch, you may not realize it, but everyone can smell you.  It's became apparent to me that a good portion of the steps I'm taking aren't necessarily to snag any man I choose, but to make myself a person any man would be proud to call his woman.  After all getting the man is the easy part, it's keeping him that's the challenge.  But don't worry if you follow these steps like I am the man will want to stay.

Step Two:  Know Your Role
Before you even get into a relationship it is important to know what type of woman you are and what type of woman you plan to be for a man.  Let's face it, not everyone is meant to be wifed up, but if you truly feel it's something you deserve, then proclaim it.  Now just because you think you deserve to be someone's girlfriend/wife doesn't mean every man is going to see you that way.  There's nothing wrong with going out and having fun by all means do you! But if you want to be taken serious as a contender for love you have to walk the walk.  The fact is that it's not the wife you see up on a table top shaking for change... you are only offered one first impression, and if you mess that up most people aren't willing to stick around to see what else you offer.  So the homework assignment for tonight is to take a deep look inside and figure out if you're looking for fun or looking for love.  Both are acceptable decisions, but they have very different paths and end results.

Relationship Status

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you are really interested in someone and seem to have great chemistry, just to find out that they are in a relationship?  I hate it when I make an effort to get to know someone, realize we're actually compatible, try my best to flirt and try not to spill anything on my shirt all for a man that's already spoken for.  I feel like people should walk around with signs or something that let you know if they're in a relationship, looking for one, if they're interested in you or not, and whether it would even be worth your time.  It would save a lot of time and effort on my part.  When it comes to dating I'm usually at a loss.  I can never figure out if a guy likes me or not, and if I like a guy I tend to either come on too strong or seem too cold.  I need a manual.  Now I won't say that I need to go on Tough Love like some of my friends would suggest, but I could use some guidance. I could also use a larger pool of guys to choose from, but I'll stick with the basics for now lol.  Everyone needs to take it upon themselves to inform the people around them whether they're taken or not.  Unfortunately for single girls it seems that all the good ones have been claimed already, but we can't give up.  I'll just have to chalk my last encounter up as a loss because I'm not one to actively seek out a taken man.  But I will say this, these girls out here in relationships better be happy I'm no homewrecker because Lord knows I can't say the same for others.

90 Day Rule for the birds?

At this point I'm sure that everyone knows about Steve Harvey's book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. For those of you who don't, it's a basic breakdown of the male POV on relationships and women.  I bought this book as soon as it came out, because like most women I considered myself clueless on how to interpret men's words and actions.  I was only like 20 at the time and whenever I needed advice on men I would run to my best male friend or my girlfriends, all of which were around the same age.  Through trial and error it became clear to me that none of us knew anything, and my male friend would tell me one thing about men, then contradict it with his actions.  Needless to say I was confused.  Any-who, a major topic of discussion was about sex.  Questions like: when is it ok to have it? does sex= a relationship? and how many people can one sleep with before being considered a hoe?  Lots of questions, with lots of responses, but none of them were quality answers.  In Harvey's book, he mentions the 90 day rule.  Basically, a woman should make a man wait 3 months before having sex with him.    He compares it being on a probationary period at a new job, where you aren't given full benefits until the 90 period is up.  In theory this makes sense.  Of course in our overtly sexual society 90 days can seem like 90 years, especially when compared to everything else that can be accessed instantly.  So the question is, Is 90 days too long or too short of a time to wait to have sex with someone?  The answer varies for different people.  I feel that it makes a decent guideline for people to go by, but it's important not to get caught up in the number of days, but instead focus on the quality of the days.  This time should be spent getting to know a person on a spiritual, emotional, and intellectual level.  That means actually having conversations and spending time with one another.  Too often people are willing to settle on the shallow facts of a person, like are they in college, do they have a job, do they have kids, height, eye color, blah, blah, blah... When someone asks you about the person you're dating you should be able to tell them what type of person they are, not just what car they drive and how much money they have in the bank.  Now this process can vary in time depending on the couples' efficiency level.  Some questions like what are your long-term and short-term goals? can be answered on the first date.  The 90 day rule doesn't encourage you to sit around for 3 months doing nothing just to have sex as soon as the time is up and still not know what type of person you're dealing with.  The purpose would have been lost.  In the end, you can either take the rule or leave it, but if you are looking to start a relationship you have to at least know what type of person you are dealing with before you take such a big step ie. sex.  Also you have to remember that some people just ain't shit... it's a fact of life. #kanyeshrug

Must I Really Say it again? Third Wheel = BAD!!!

Brand new city, brand new people, same old shitty situations one faces when surrounded by couples... Now first I want to point out that I am not a cynical and bitter single woman, because I'm not. I am a huge cheerleader for L-O-V-E (picture me here with my pom-poms). I think there is nothing greater than feeling so strongly about the person you're with that you simply want to share that with everyone around you. I get it! BUT, a line must be drawn at some point. Couples really need to understand that although their relationship may be awesome it can be a bit overwhelming for others, especially around their single peers. Speaking as a single, I don't want to see you doing certain things, saying certain things, or even at times being around me. I understand that at times you might think that you need to include your single friends as not to alienate them, but the only real soltion to this is to keep it separate but equal... (please don't look too into this). I know that it may seem more effiecient to kill two birds with one stone and have both parties joined together, but this causes a lack of quality time spent with both. Simply make time for both, there's time with your girls and time with your man, or vice versa. I don't want to make this too long and drawn out, because I've talked on this topic before. I'll just finish off with saying that anyone who tries to force their friends into third wheel situations need to be tarred, feathered, and strung up on display for everyone to see and taunt, but since that would just be all kinds of illegal I think I'm going to develop a website where we can post the couples guilty of this horrible crime.

Im Done with the Negative

This might seem somewhat like a vent, but yesterday when I was talking to my best mo our conversation left me feeling extra depressed about our human existence. Of coarse we were talking about the relationships between men and women and of coarse he took the position of the cynical bastard who has a negative opinion on everything that is women. Basically he was preaching that no one cares about anyone at all. That no matter what I do a man will always cheat on me just because he can, that all women lie and are controlling because it is just in their nature, that a happy relationship is impossible. Usually I just ignore what he is saying or just agree because he usually seems so convinced that this is the case and he will say it with such conviction that I would feel as though I have no choice, but to believe and agree with him. Every conversation with him would inevitably leave me drained with hopelessness about humanity. I'm not exactly sure what it was about my convo with him yesterday that opened my eyes to things, maybe it was the fact that he ate my food and drank my water and then told me that women are the downfall to society, but I have officially decided to stop really giving a hoot about his point of view. The simple fact of the matter is that he doesn't have everything figured out like he claims, that not every woman is a lying controlling manipulative bitch and that not every man lies and cheats and has a general disregard for people's feelings. There are good people in this world like me who are generally nice and do actually care and try our best to bring out the positive things in every situation. I'm naturally a very positive person! I had to sit back and analyze what it is that he said and why his point of view on women is sooo negative and I came to a conclusion. It's because he, like most men like him, has been jaded by loving someone who did him wrong!!!! It was mind blowing when I realized it. This man, who i have witnessed first hand mind fuck girls into thinking that he cares about them and that they should just do as he says, has been mind fucked himself. To this day, she continues to misconstrue his perception of females. As much as he wants to deny it there was once a time when even he openly cared about women, but through the years he's allowed himself to be guarded from caring about anyone else. After this revelation I decided to take his words for what they were... Bullshit!!! He knows just as much, if not less than me about how things are supposed to work between men and women. Men like him claim that chivalry is dead because we killed it, but the fact of the matter is that if they never messed with these unappreciative women (the ones good women usually warn them about) then this never would be an issue. I may come across as naive or just plain stupid to some as far as what I want in a man, and me wishing and having hope that one day I will find someone out there that is just right for me, but I least I still care. I was hurt before too, but I 'manned-up' and moved on. I know this may seem a little Gigi from "He just not that into you", and I know that life doesn't always work out the way it does in a movie, but people we still have to care. What fun is living in a world where your friends no longer care about each other. When I asked him the simple question of whether he cares about me or not, all he did was start rapping some song (all 3x that I asked). I'm not gonna lie it hurt, because I care. I do a lot for the people I care about and all I ever ask in return is for some appreciation (which really isn't much). All in all, if you don't take anything else from this rant, I want you to just remember this, Life and people are worth caring about... despite how often some people let you down. Not everyone gets to have a fairy tale love, but it happens enough for me to have hope that I can have that too.

Doing Nothing to Get Something

So I know that most of us have heard the saying that when you stop looking for a man you'll find one. Well my best bud Tony dropped a little more knowledge on me that expanded this theory. He says that in order to get a man to take you out you have to act like you're not trying to get taken out. At least this is the case for him i guess, because when I asked my other friend mike he had a bit more stipulations. Basically tony was saying that he refuses to take a girl out that is always trying to go out. To him this girl (the one that is always hinting that she wants to go on a date) is not even worth his effort because to him all she is saying is that she wants him to spend his money on her. My initial defense to this was that if you don't at the very least make subtle hints that you want to be taken out how will he know that you would want to go, because a lot of times guys act like they are too afraid to ask a girl out because of some fear of rejection. His answer was simple, if the dude is too scared to ask you out then you don't need to be messing with him in the first place. His point of view is that a 'real' man would take it upon himself to ask the girl out. In my opinion this seems like something where the man wants to control the situation. Let the man be the man basically. So I decided that I would try to take this approach. When ever a guy of interest would come around and he would ask me what it is that I like to do I would just say, "nothing much, just chill, you know, I'm not really on anything in particular just whatever seems fun. I'm just a chill type of person." But to my dismay he would start to die laughing at me and say that my choice of words just wouldn't work. It was to the point that I was ready to give up on project do nothing, but then later that night Mike came through and offered me some advice. He basically just told me to do to some guy of interest the same as I would do to either him or tony. This became a bit more do-able because even though I am typically a very nice individual I tend to be more caring and patient towards them than with other guys. For example, when they come over to my house to chill I usually will make drinks, cook something for them to eat, and if they are spending the night make sure that they are comfortable on the pull out mattress. When I sat down to think about it I don't really do this stuff for anyone else that comes over, unless I'm hosting some kind of event. So there it is, my plan of action, do onto others that I would do to Mike and Tony... cool... I think I can handle that. Wish me LUCK!!!

My King

[Somebody loves you baby… ]

I live in a world where a man’s faith is his loss

So he chooses to remain faithless

And in turn be faithfully endorsed

By more of the faithless

This process seems as brainless as

The utensils used to disconnect his body are stainless

Now the only way he can show his love

Would be if he cut out his heart

And used the fresh pumped blood

To write it out on his sleeve

And before this strong man fell to his knees

It would be raw pain and suffering

That would show while he bleeds.

One of his many regrets in life is

That he never got to express love to a seed

So with the loss of his name

Also came the loss of his legacy.

Oh King

Your greatness

Has been overshadowed

The magnitude of your being

Has become hollowed

And only I can Recall your proper name, King.

King

Your existence should be exalted

Virgin rose petals placed at your feet

So that you would never be forced to bare witness

To the agonies of humanly defeat.

My strong black king I feel for you

If I could cradle your soul In the bosom of purity

I would If I could hide your vision

From the distress of living in this world I would

King

I would praise you

Every second of every day

All you would have to do is keep your strength

I would gladly kneel at the feet of the man

Who has built legions of god’s soldiers

To fight the evils that to this day

Still lay at bay

King

You are Remarkable

This is why I will remark

About all of your ethereal accomplishments

I will angelically sing

The gospels of your teachings

And revulsion I would blare

At anyone that meant to cause you despair

My King

I Would Love You

I would show you nothing but the respect that you deserve

And all that I ask you to do is demand it

Demand it from every man woman and child

Of every race, religion, and orientation

Demand to be put at the forefront of society

And never except being last again

King

I would kiss you

With the most amount of sensation

That anyone could ever posses

Where it wouldn’t even surprise me if 500 years later

Your breath still lingered in my lungs

King

Bells would be rung In honor of your name

King

All of this could be your if you take it

Just take it

King, please

The magnitude of my queenliness

Stands for nothing if I’m king less

King

Stand and take back your god given land

It was entrusted in you Just like my heart

You can forget about how their world began

This is how our world can start.

Look at this as me doing my part.