Just a Thought...

As of lately, the reasoning for my single status has been brought into conversation with a few friends of mine.  No matter what we are talking about the subject always turns to how I need to find a man.  While I might disagree on 'NEED' for a man at the time, I can't ignore the fact that I have been single for the past 2+ years.  I hate discussing this topic because the question 'Why are you single?', always pops up.  The fact of the matter is I DON'T KNOW! Honestly, if I had any clue as to why I would probably be able to fix the problem.  Now I've been told many reasons why by others, but if I were to put a complete list together there would be way too many things 'wrong' with me, which would thus lead to a great feeling of helplessness.  And I don't need any of that in my life right now.  Perhaps the most current reason I've been told is that I lack assertiveness.  This one caught me off guard, because in general I thought of myself as an assertive person, but upon further review I realized that I was actually passive in pursuing a relationship.  There was once a time that I didn't think twice about telling a guy how I felt about them, but to most I was seen as nothing more than a good friend/sister.  Inevitably the thought of rejection paralyzed me and I adopted a new mentality that if a man wanted me that he would make the first move.  Unfortunately,  these days quality men are few and far between and like me they have grown afraid of possible rejection.  Thus leading to people like me being in situations where the people like each other, but are too afraid to actually admit to it.  This is sad, because all it takes is one person to be brave enough to take that first step and chances are that the other person has been feeling the same way.  So here is my pledge... if and when it is possible to tell a guy how I feel.  Lets hope that this plan doesn't back fire and ricochet me back to my passive ways.

Love Is In The Air

I'm not exactly sure what was going on in the cosmos over the weekend, but whatever it was it resulted in 10+ of my friends either getting engaged or married!  I suppose I just missed the memo that we were supposed to find our soul mate over the weekend, but none the less I am very happy for all of the lucky couples out there.  One in particular touches my heart in particular.  Now I'll admit that I was in complete disbelief when my cousin told me that her and her long-time boyfriend got married yesterday.  It wasn't so much that I never thought she would do such a thing, it's just that no one was given a heads up.  I still don't think her mother believes it, but it's true.  I approve because they are both great together and the reason they did it was for financial/legal reasons. Since all they did was basically sign a marriage license, I don't count it as a wedding.  Thus, I have been enlisted to help plan her real wedding that will take place a year from now.  Given that wedding planning is my part-time passion I was overjoyed.  In fact after I got over the initial shock I went straight into planner mode.  It's not often that someone in our family gets married so that makes this a very special occasion.  My heart goes out to all of the luck couples, and to my readers get ready for wedding themed posts!

Self Improvement

Hello Readers,
If you've been keeping up with my last few posts you know that I am on a mission to find a meaningful relationship.  The last couple steps I've taken have involved me taking a good hard look at myself and figuring out what I bring to the table.  This next step is also an introspective one:
Step 3: Self-Improvement
Now unless you are Jesus himself, there is room for improvement. This step is not meant for you to be harsh on yourself and make you dwell on your imperfections, but it is important that you are real with yourself.  Just like I had you write down all of your strengths, I want you to write down your weaknesses.  The goal of this step is to take initiative in making yourself a better half.  For example, let's say you have bad credit, your not in healthy physical condition, or you aren't very social, these are all issues that can be fixed with some time and effort.  There is never a obstacle so great that it cannot be overcome.  It helps if you at least recognize it is a problem, from there you can find ways to improve it. It's important to remember that not everything can be solved in a day, some things may take months or even years to fix, but once they are you will feel such a great sense of relief knowing that you overcame a great hurdle.

Ex.  Large amount of debt/Bad Credit:  get in contact with the bank or creditor and come up with a solution to minimize or eliminate your debt.  In this economy many people are having trouble and most companies are willing to work with you.  Make sure to have a reliable source of income and most importantly make a budget for yourself and STICK TO IT!!! You also want to pay yourself first by putting at least 10% in a savings account that can be used for emergencies.

It's vital that you remember that no matter how bad your situation may seem it can be fixed.

Know Your Role

In my last post I introduced some of the steps I'm taking in order to find a meaningful relationship.  Step one was to play up your strengths, I made this the first step because it can be so easy to fall into a negative mindset when thinking of why you're single, this way you are encouraged to think of the positive before even having time to get depressed.  As I sat to make a list of good things about myself I realized that I'm a catch... This is not to sound cocky, but to get you to understand that you are in fact worth it!  Too often I am surrounded my beautiful, intelligent, and successful women who feel that the reason they're single is because they simply aren't qualified.  This couldn't be farther from the truth, the problem isn't in what you lack, but in how you present yourself.  Lacking confidence is the equivalent of smelling like the falafel you had for lunch, you may not realize it, but everyone can smell you.  It's became apparent to me that a good portion of the steps I'm taking aren't necessarily to snag any man I choose, but to make myself a person any man would be proud to call his woman.  After all getting the man is the easy part, it's keeping him that's the challenge.  But don't worry if you follow these steps like I am the man will want to stay.

Step Two:  Know Your Role
Before you even get into a relationship it is important to know what type of woman you are and what type of woman you plan to be for a man.  Let's face it, not everyone is meant to be wifed up, but if you truly feel it's something you deserve, then proclaim it.  Now just because you think you deserve to be someone's girlfriend/wife doesn't mean every man is going to see you that way.  There's nothing wrong with going out and having fun by all means do you! But if you want to be taken serious as a contender for love you have to walk the walk.  The fact is that it's not the wife you see up on a table top shaking for change... you are only offered one first impression, and if you mess that up most people aren't willing to stick around to see what else you offer.  So the homework assignment for tonight is to take a deep look inside and figure out if you're looking for fun or looking for love.  Both are acceptable decisions, but they have very different paths and end results.

M.R.S. Degree

As I've gotten older, my observation skills have become more keen to people's characteristics.  I'm able to look at a person and depending on what they're wearing, how they talk, and how they carry themselves I can tell what they're there for.  This is especially evident on a college campus or in the workplace.  Women in particular seem to broadcast their intentions to the public more than men.  For example, it's a Tuesday morning on campus and you see a girl with a full face of makeup, hair whipped, and heels on in your 8am lecture... you already know that she didn't come for books alone.  There are special class of women that come to college or get certain jobs for one specific reason... To get a HUSBAND!  Otherwise known as a M.R.S. Degree.  Now I am in no way knocking these individuals because in theory it makes perfect sense.  In order to attract the most suitable partner one must surround herself with proper suitors.  A college campus is prime hunting grounds for finding a mate because it's assured that the men are educated and ambitious with a likely chance of finding a good paying job after graduation.  The purpose of this post is to inform the rest of you women out there that went to college to make something of yourself that if you plan on finding love in this environment that you need to know your competition.  It's safe to say that women today want it all, a successful career, and loving husband, good kids, and great friends, but with the number of bonafide men dwindling down it is important to know that you have to compete with women who are willing to overlook the degree for love.
Mrs Degree: 

noun: pejorative
1. A marriage as a result of attending a 4-year university with the soul purpose of getting married and consequently not completing college.
2. The attending of college, usually a 4-year university of moderate to high prestige, to get married to avoid independence or responsibility.
3. To go from one's parent's home to the home of a spouse with out ever achieving emotional or financial independence, or academic success.

Here are a few tips on how to spot this woman:

• you never see her without makeup
• unless she is in the gym she is not wearing yoga pants
• makes her presence known to all males upon arrival
• is willing to cook/clean a man's place without being asked (playing the domestic role)
• comes across as a damsel in distress (always the victim- men love to rescue women)

Now I know some of you will read this list and a woman's face will instantly pop into your head, others may look at the list and realize you fall into the category as well, if either of these is the case that's perfectly fine.  The reason I wrote this post is to inform all parties that it is a serious competition to get the life you want and in order to win, you need to know your strengths and put your best pedicured foot forward.

90 Day Rule for the birds?

At this point I'm sure that everyone knows about Steve Harvey's book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. For those of you who don't, it's a basic breakdown of the male POV on relationships and women.  I bought this book as soon as it came out, because like most women I considered myself clueless on how to interpret men's words and actions.  I was only like 20 at the time and whenever I needed advice on men I would run to my best male friend or my girlfriends, all of which were around the same age.  Through trial and error it became clear to me that none of us knew anything, and my male friend would tell me one thing about men, then contradict it with his actions.  Needless to say I was confused.  Any-who, a major topic of discussion was about sex.  Questions like: when is it ok to have it? does sex= a relationship? and how many people can one sleep with before being considered a hoe?  Lots of questions, with lots of responses, but none of them were quality answers.  In Harvey's book, he mentions the 90 day rule.  Basically, a woman should make a man wait 3 months before having sex with him.    He compares it being on a probationary period at a new job, where you aren't given full benefits until the 90 period is up.  In theory this makes sense.  Of course in our overtly sexual society 90 days can seem like 90 years, especially when compared to everything else that can be accessed instantly.  So the question is, Is 90 days too long or too short of a time to wait to have sex with someone?  The answer varies for different people.  I feel that it makes a decent guideline for people to go by, but it's important not to get caught up in the number of days, but instead focus on the quality of the days.  This time should be spent getting to know a person on a spiritual, emotional, and intellectual level.  That means actually having conversations and spending time with one another.  Too often people are willing to settle on the shallow facts of a person, like are they in college, do they have a job, do they have kids, height, eye color, blah, blah, blah... When someone asks you about the person you're dating you should be able to tell them what type of person they are, not just what car they drive and how much money they have in the bank.  Now this process can vary in time depending on the couples' efficiency level.  Some questions like what are your long-term and short-term goals? can be answered on the first date.  The 90 day rule doesn't encourage you to sit around for 3 months doing nothing just to have sex as soon as the time is up and still not know what type of person you're dealing with.  The purpose would have been lost.  In the end, you can either take the rule or leave it, but if you are looking to start a relationship you have to at least know what type of person you are dealing with before you take such a big step ie. sex.  Also you have to remember that some people just ain't shit... it's a fact of life. #kanyeshrug

Single is the New Third Wheel

Recently I was invited to a BBQ of my friend's (she was co-hosting) and I was really excited to go. Now I'm gonna be honest, a major part of the reason that I wanted to go was because she rooms with a guy of interest to me. Because of this detail I wanted to take extra precaution that I looked good and that I impress him. So what did I do.. that's right I borrowed my roommate's outfit, did my hair and makeup, then I cooked! Yes, I cooked! I made a delicious seafood pasta salad (that everyone loved). You would think that all was going according to plan right... WRONG! the thing that messed everything up... HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND!!! It was heartbreaking really. Here I was just starting to think that I was about to get out of my rut, No. Given that no one knew he was of interest except for my BFF I saved face and just went along with the party. There was even a point that I thought that the night could be salvaged. Throughout the evening more and more guys showed up which gave me hope that maybe I would find someone, but just as that hope came... it left. Quickly, because every guy there had a girlfriend. At that point it dawned on me that this was a couple's party. I know that it didn't say that on the invite, but it should have. I, as a single girl, was invited to a couple's party. This my friends brought me back to the feeling of being the third wheel. You know when your friend invites you out with his/her boyfriend or girlfriend. Yea... it was like that. There really isn't too much for me to say other than... DON'T DO IT!!! Refuse to be the third wheel because it generally sucks. Two is company, three is a crowd, and in this case I was crowed out because I didn't come as a couple. Although it is generally courteous of people to not invite you when you will be the third wheel, the are generally oblivious of the situation. They will insist that you won't feel left out, and that it won't be awkward, but they are just being stupid. Everyone is guilty of doing this, including myself so it is just best to politely decline whenever invited into this kind of scenario. And if they choose to insist more just get angry and let it all out on them that you don't want to be the third wheel and that the shit just sucks! They'll understand eventually and you my friend will have avoid this F-ed up situation. Had I known what I was getting into before had, I might not have gone, or at least not have cooked. Let this be a guide to you all... if you don't know what exactly is going on ask questions, and if it's not something that is going to benefit you, just don't do it. It will make you happier and you won't be left with a huge bowl of leftover pasta salad.