Bad Timing

Have you ever come across someone that you hit it off with right away as if they're some sort of kindred spirit of yours, but the timing was just all wrong.  It's funny how you can go about living life without anything spectacular happening, i.e. when the time is perfect to be in a relationship, but no one really catches your eye.  But as soon as your life starts speeding up and you so many things to do with no where near enough time to do it BAM! You come across someone that makes put everything else on pause just to spend more time together.  When it comes to romance, I feel like more than just the standard compatibility, commitment, and honesty play a part in determining what makes a relationship work.  It also takes good timing.  It's not enough to simply like someone, you have to be willing to compromise and for me a lot of that compromise is taking time away from one thing and giving it to that person.  Now for some people this might not be much of an issue, but I just assume that those are the people with not a lot taking up their time.  For me, on the other hand, it proves to be a huge problem.  I'm in the midst of making major moves for my life, things that require my full and undivided attention, and it's just my luck that I find someone that I genuinely like.  Now considering that I've been single for quite some time now some people might think that this would be the best thing ever, but unfortunately it's just a little too late.  Now the question is do I just ride it out and see what happens next (which will likely be nothing) or do I just take that 'L' now?  It's really a shame... He actually has a lot of the qualities that I was looking for in a potential boyfriend, but alas the timing was just all bad.  Well at least now I have a better model of what I'm looking for, and I've gained some hope in knowing that what I want isn't completely unattainable.
Here's Hoping...

Just a Thought...

As of lately, the reasoning for my single status has been brought into conversation with a few friends of mine.  No matter what we are talking about the subject always turns to how I need to find a man.  While I might disagree on 'NEED' for a man at the time, I can't ignore the fact that I have been single for the past 2+ years.  I hate discussing this topic because the question 'Why are you single?', always pops up.  The fact of the matter is I DON'T KNOW! Honestly, if I had any clue as to why I would probably be able to fix the problem.  Now I've been told many reasons why by others, but if I were to put a complete list together there would be way too many things 'wrong' with me, which would thus lead to a great feeling of helplessness.  And I don't need any of that in my life right now.  Perhaps the most current reason I've been told is that I lack assertiveness.  This one caught me off guard, because in general I thought of myself as an assertive person, but upon further review I realized that I was actually passive in pursuing a relationship.  There was once a time that I didn't think twice about telling a guy how I felt about them, but to most I was seen as nothing more than a good friend/sister.  Inevitably the thought of rejection paralyzed me and I adopted a new mentality that if a man wanted me that he would make the first move.  Unfortunately,  these days quality men are few and far between and like me they have grown afraid of possible rejection.  Thus leading to people like me being in situations where the people like each other, but are too afraid to actually admit to it.  This is sad, because all it takes is one person to be brave enough to take that first step and chances are that the other person has been feeling the same way.  So here is my pledge... if and when it is possible to tell a guy how I feel.  Lets hope that this plan doesn't back fire and ricochet me back to my passive ways.

Special Occasion

The first thing to do when planning your dream wedding is to figure out what type of occasion you want it to be.  There are many different themes ranging from formal to laid back and casual.  Think about your personality, are you the type of couple who likes structure and status, or are you the nonchalant laissez faire type? The worst thing you could do is try to force a particular style on yourself when it doesn't feel natural.  Here are a few example of weddings, once you have chosen one everything else begins to flow naturally.

White Tie:
This is an extremely formal occasion where the men are instructed to where white ties, shirts, vests, and a black tuxedo.  The women are instructed to wear long formal dresses.

Black Tie:
This is a formal event where men where either a tuxedo or dark suit and women where either long or short formal dresses.

Cocktail:
This type gives a little more leeway  between formal and casusal.  Just think of it as what you would wear to church or a night out on the town.

Outdoor:
For these types of events there needs to be a happy medium between style and comfort.  Feel free to dress up in cute floral designs with flowy fabrics, and men can wear nice button downs with khakis.  Flip flops may even be a necessity on a beach.  Be mindful of the weather.  

Father's Day

Life Lessons

You may have thought I didn't see,
Or that I hadn't heard,
Life lessons that you taught to me,
But I got every word. Perhaps you thought I missed it all,
And that we'd grow apart,
But Dad, I picked up everything,
It's written on my heart. Without you, Dad, I wouldn't be
The (woman)(man) I am today;
You built a strong foundation
No one can take away. I've grown up with your values,
And I'm very glad I did;
So here's to you, dear father,
From your forever grateful kid. By Joanna Fuchs

Know Your Role

In my last post I introduced some of the steps I'm taking in order to find a meaningful relationship.  Step one was to play up your strengths, I made this the first step because it can be so easy to fall into a negative mindset when thinking of why you're single, this way you are encouraged to think of the positive before even having time to get depressed.  As I sat to make a list of good things about myself I realized that I'm a catch... This is not to sound cocky, but to get you to understand that you are in fact worth it!  Too often I am surrounded my beautiful, intelligent, and successful women who feel that the reason they're single is because they simply aren't qualified.  This couldn't be farther from the truth, the problem isn't in what you lack, but in how you present yourself.  Lacking confidence is the equivalent of smelling like the falafel you had for lunch, you may not realize it, but everyone can smell you.  It's became apparent to me that a good portion of the steps I'm taking aren't necessarily to snag any man I choose, but to make myself a person any man would be proud to call his woman.  After all getting the man is the easy part, it's keeping him that's the challenge.  But don't worry if you follow these steps like I am the man will want to stay.

Step Two:  Know Your Role
Before you even get into a relationship it is important to know what type of woman you are and what type of woman you plan to be for a man.  Let's face it, not everyone is meant to be wifed up, but if you truly feel it's something you deserve, then proclaim it.  Now just because you think you deserve to be someone's girlfriend/wife doesn't mean every man is going to see you that way.  There's nothing wrong with going out and having fun by all means do you! But if you want to be taken serious as a contender for love you have to walk the walk.  The fact is that it's not the wife you see up on a table top shaking for change... you are only offered one first impression, and if you mess that up most people aren't willing to stick around to see what else you offer.  So the homework assignment for tonight is to take a deep look inside and figure out if you're looking for fun or looking for love.  Both are acceptable decisions, but they have very different paths and end results.

Play Up Your Strengths

I have to make a confession.... I was unaware that the dates of Cuffing Season have been changed.  Is is just me or is everyone I meet or already know is either in a relationship, married, having a baby, or anything else that does not indicate being single? The whole thing has had me in a funk the last few weeks because it wasn't until recently that I realized that I'm the last single friend...  As hard as I try I can't shake the feeling that this is depressing news and that I need to take some serious steps to ensure that it doesn't stay this way for long.  Now I'll admit that I haven't been giving relationships a serious thought for quite some time now because I've been solely focused on school, work, networking for my future, trying to remain somewhat social, and maintaining a healthy lifestyle.  Wow, when I write it all out like that it really is a lot, but despite all of that I do know that I need to put some effort into dating because chances are that my dream man will not just fall into my lap.  I'm attempting to come up with a few steps that will ensure that I'm giving myself the best chance at finding someone special.  I might not have the whole series worked out yet, but here is what I have so far.

Step 1:  Play Up Your Strengths

The idea behind this is that no one knows what you do best like you do, and if you're not sure what your strengths are ask someone close to you.  Next you should post them somewhere that you'll see them everyday.  It's the best way I know how to ensure that you won't get down on yourself and think that you have nothing to offer.  And on the off chance you have no strengths work on getting some.  After all, you can't be a full half then any relationship you do get in will never be a whole one.

M.R.S. Degree

As I've gotten older, my observation skills have become more keen to people's characteristics.  I'm able to look at a person and depending on what they're wearing, how they talk, and how they carry themselves I can tell what they're there for.  This is especially evident on a college campus or in the workplace.  Women in particular seem to broadcast their intentions to the public more than men.  For example, it's a Tuesday morning on campus and you see a girl with a full face of makeup, hair whipped, and heels on in your 8am lecture... you already know that she didn't come for books alone.  There are special class of women that come to college or get certain jobs for one specific reason... To get a HUSBAND!  Otherwise known as a M.R.S. Degree.  Now I am in no way knocking these individuals because in theory it makes perfect sense.  In order to attract the most suitable partner one must surround herself with proper suitors.  A college campus is prime hunting grounds for finding a mate because it's assured that the men are educated and ambitious with a likely chance of finding a good paying job after graduation.  The purpose of this post is to inform the rest of you women out there that went to college to make something of yourself that if you plan on finding love in this environment that you need to know your competition.  It's safe to say that women today want it all, a successful career, and loving husband, good kids, and great friends, but with the number of bonafide men dwindling down it is important to know that you have to compete with women who are willing to overlook the degree for love.
Mrs Degree: 

noun: pejorative
1. A marriage as a result of attending a 4-year university with the soul purpose of getting married and consequently not completing college.
2. The attending of college, usually a 4-year university of moderate to high prestige, to get married to avoid independence or responsibility.
3. To go from one's parent's home to the home of a spouse with out ever achieving emotional or financial independence, or academic success.

Here are a few tips on how to spot this woman:

• you never see her without makeup
• unless she is in the gym she is not wearing yoga pants
• makes her presence known to all males upon arrival
• is willing to cook/clean a man's place without being asked (playing the domestic role)
• comes across as a damsel in distress (always the victim- men love to rescue women)

Now I know some of you will read this list and a woman's face will instantly pop into your head, others may look at the list and realize you fall into the category as well, if either of these is the case that's perfectly fine.  The reason I wrote this post is to inform all parties that it is a serious competition to get the life you want and in order to win, you need to know your strengths and put your best pedicured foot forward.

Relationship Status

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you are really interested in someone and seem to have great chemistry, just to find out that they are in a relationship?  I hate it when I make an effort to get to know someone, realize we're actually compatible, try my best to flirt and try not to spill anything on my shirt all for a man that's already spoken for.  I feel like people should walk around with signs or something that let you know if they're in a relationship, looking for one, if they're interested in you or not, and whether it would even be worth your time.  It would save a lot of time and effort on my part.  When it comes to dating I'm usually at a loss.  I can never figure out if a guy likes me or not, and if I like a guy I tend to either come on too strong or seem too cold.  I need a manual.  Now I won't say that I need to go on Tough Love like some of my friends would suggest, but I could use some guidance. I could also use a larger pool of guys to choose from, but I'll stick with the basics for now lol.  Everyone needs to take it upon themselves to inform the people around them whether they're taken or not.  Unfortunately for single girls it seems that all the good ones have been claimed already, but we can't give up.  I'll just have to chalk my last encounter up as a loss because I'm not one to actively seek out a taken man.  But I will say this, these girls out here in relationships better be happy I'm no homewrecker because Lord knows I can't say the same for others.

90 Day Rule for the birds?

At this point I'm sure that everyone knows about Steve Harvey's book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. For those of you who don't, it's a basic breakdown of the male POV on relationships and women.  I bought this book as soon as it came out, because like most women I considered myself clueless on how to interpret men's words and actions.  I was only like 20 at the time and whenever I needed advice on men I would run to my best male friend or my girlfriends, all of which were around the same age.  Through trial and error it became clear to me that none of us knew anything, and my male friend would tell me one thing about men, then contradict it with his actions.  Needless to say I was confused.  Any-who, a major topic of discussion was about sex.  Questions like: when is it ok to have it? does sex= a relationship? and how many people can one sleep with before being considered a hoe?  Lots of questions, with lots of responses, but none of them were quality answers.  In Harvey's book, he mentions the 90 day rule.  Basically, a woman should make a man wait 3 months before having sex with him.    He compares it being on a probationary period at a new job, where you aren't given full benefits until the 90 period is up.  In theory this makes sense.  Of course in our overtly sexual society 90 days can seem like 90 years, especially when compared to everything else that can be accessed instantly.  So the question is, Is 90 days too long or too short of a time to wait to have sex with someone?  The answer varies for different people.  I feel that it makes a decent guideline for people to go by, but it's important not to get caught up in the number of days, but instead focus on the quality of the days.  This time should be spent getting to know a person on a spiritual, emotional, and intellectual level.  That means actually having conversations and spending time with one another.  Too often people are willing to settle on the shallow facts of a person, like are they in college, do they have a job, do they have kids, height, eye color, blah, blah, blah... When someone asks you about the person you're dating you should be able to tell them what type of person they are, not just what car they drive and how much money they have in the bank.  Now this process can vary in time depending on the couples' efficiency level.  Some questions like what are your long-term and short-term goals? can be answered on the first date.  The 90 day rule doesn't encourage you to sit around for 3 months doing nothing just to have sex as soon as the time is up and still not know what type of person you're dealing with.  The purpose would have been lost.  In the end, you can either take the rule or leave it, but if you are looking to start a relationship you have to at least know what type of person you are dealing with before you take such a big step ie. sex.  Also you have to remember that some people just ain't shit... it's a fact of life. #kanyeshrug

Single is the New Third Wheel

Recently I was invited to a BBQ of my friend's (she was co-hosting) and I was really excited to go. Now I'm gonna be honest, a major part of the reason that I wanted to go was because she rooms with a guy of interest to me. Because of this detail I wanted to take extra precaution that I looked good and that I impress him. So what did I do.. that's right I borrowed my roommate's outfit, did my hair and makeup, then I cooked! Yes, I cooked! I made a delicious seafood pasta salad (that everyone loved). You would think that all was going according to plan right... WRONG! the thing that messed everything up... HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND!!! It was heartbreaking really. Here I was just starting to think that I was about to get out of my rut, No. Given that no one knew he was of interest except for my BFF I saved face and just went along with the party. There was even a point that I thought that the night could be salvaged. Throughout the evening more and more guys showed up which gave me hope that maybe I would find someone, but just as that hope came... it left. Quickly, because every guy there had a girlfriend. At that point it dawned on me that this was a couple's party. I know that it didn't say that on the invite, but it should have. I, as a single girl, was invited to a couple's party. This my friends brought me back to the feeling of being the third wheel. You know when your friend invites you out with his/her boyfriend or girlfriend. Yea... it was like that. There really isn't too much for me to say other than... DON'T DO IT!!! Refuse to be the third wheel because it generally sucks. Two is company, three is a crowd, and in this case I was crowed out because I didn't come as a couple. Although it is generally courteous of people to not invite you when you will be the third wheel, the are generally oblivious of the situation. They will insist that you won't feel left out, and that it won't be awkward, but they are just being stupid. Everyone is guilty of doing this, including myself so it is just best to politely decline whenever invited into this kind of scenario. And if they choose to insist more just get angry and let it all out on them that you don't want to be the third wheel and that the shit just sucks! They'll understand eventually and you my friend will have avoid this F-ed up situation. Had I known what I was getting into before had, I might not have gone, or at least not have cooked. Let this be a guide to you all... if you don't know what exactly is going on ask questions, and if it's not something that is going to benefit you, just don't do it. It will make you happier and you won't be left with a huge bowl of leftover pasta salad.

Perpetual 'Friend-Zoner'

Looking back on all of my encounters with the opposite sex two things come to mind: 1) I tend to really like having them around 2) they tend to love having me around... AS A FRIEND!!! Anyone who has ever been placed in that 'Friend-Zone' spot knows exactly what I'm talking about. Well in my opinion this problem seems to only really get attention when it is coming from the guys point of view. When I was looking up some different articles discussing the 'Friend-Zone' it is almost always written by a guy who was placed in that position by a girl. Given that I am a female and not a male it is just kind-of hard to relate to all of their stories. My life story has been the 'friend', which sucks because it leaves me settling for guys who are sub-standard. I'm naturally a really nice person and it's always seemed easier to be friends with a guy over being friend with a girl because it always gave me less drama, that is until I started liking boys! I think it all started back in grade school, I had a best friend named Tasha and we were basically like sisters, we did everything together, played the same sports, liked the same music, went to the same summer camps. It was at these summer camps that I first realized that although to us it seemed that we did everything the same way, the boys would always try to get me to hook them up with her. They always liked her more even though we were soo alike! She would always have a boyfriend, and because her and the boy were always together that meant that he was always around the two of us (thus giving my exposure to third-wheeling). After hanging out with him he would always be like "man alicia you're soo cool" "alicia you're just a really great person" "alicia I really like hanging out with you because you just understand me" and this would continue even after the boy and tasha would break up. In my head it would have only been natural for the guy to want to be with me because he claimed to always like being around me, but no, instead he'd prefer to be in the relationship with my friend even when they started to hate each other. This scenario has been a constant in my life since then. And it really became a problem because stuff like that can mess with your self-esteem. Whenever a guy would finally show interest in me (usually sub-par men) i would feel compelled to give him a shot just because he's the only that will show interest at all. This is the cause of me having dated all of these 'Sherms'!!! I have finally decided to do something about this borderline disorder that I have so I came up with a few guidelines that should help:
-Stop being nice all the time
-Stop doing stuff for them that has no benefit to you
-Hang around with some other guys, maybe even get intimate with a few of them
-Start acting like you could care less if he likes you, or has sex with you
-Start teasing and being physically playful
-Make it clear from the beginning that you want more than just friendship
Of coarse this is not a guaranteed way to avoid and get out of the 'Friend Zone', but it is a start. It's kinda sad when I could almost got through my entire Rolodex and every male in there consider me to be a great 'Friend' but not actual 'girlfriend' material. Another thing that has to be kept in mind that perhaps with some people it is just best to walk away completely, because who really just wants to sit around listening to a guy complain about how horrible women are as if you aren't a woman yourself, or hear them talk about every conquest they've made. The fact is that some men will always and forever view you as nothing more than a friend. But there are some exceptions, sometimes it really is best to just stay friends especially if a genuine friendship has been forged during you stay in the 'Friend Zone'. This is perfectly fine as long as you realize that that is all it will be and can focus your attention on someone else.
Just keep in mind that though it may be hard and go against your nature, you can always leave the infamous 'Friend Zone' just be prepared to possibly lose a good friend.

Im Done with the Negative

This might seem somewhat like a vent, but yesterday when I was talking to my best mo our conversation left me feeling extra depressed about our human existence. Of coarse we were talking about the relationships between men and women and of coarse he took the position of the cynical bastard who has a negative opinion on everything that is women. Basically he was preaching that no one cares about anyone at all. That no matter what I do a man will always cheat on me just because he can, that all women lie and are controlling because it is just in their nature, that a happy relationship is impossible. Usually I just ignore what he is saying or just agree because he usually seems so convinced that this is the case and he will say it with such conviction that I would feel as though I have no choice, but to believe and agree with him. Every conversation with him would inevitably leave me drained with hopelessness about humanity. I'm not exactly sure what it was about my convo with him yesterday that opened my eyes to things, maybe it was the fact that he ate my food and drank my water and then told me that women are the downfall to society, but I have officially decided to stop really giving a hoot about his point of view. The simple fact of the matter is that he doesn't have everything figured out like he claims, that not every woman is a lying controlling manipulative bitch and that not every man lies and cheats and has a general disregard for people's feelings. There are good people in this world like me who are generally nice and do actually care and try our best to bring out the positive things in every situation. I'm naturally a very positive person! I had to sit back and analyze what it is that he said and why his point of view on women is sooo negative and I came to a conclusion. It's because he, like most men like him, has been jaded by loving someone who did him wrong!!!! It was mind blowing when I realized it. This man, who i have witnessed first hand mind fuck girls into thinking that he cares about them and that they should just do as he says, has been mind fucked himself. To this day, she continues to misconstrue his perception of females. As much as he wants to deny it there was once a time when even he openly cared about women, but through the years he's allowed himself to be guarded from caring about anyone else. After this revelation I decided to take his words for what they were... Bullshit!!! He knows just as much, if not less than me about how things are supposed to work between men and women. Men like him claim that chivalry is dead because we killed it, but the fact of the matter is that if they never messed with these unappreciative women (the ones good women usually warn them about) then this never would be an issue. I may come across as naive or just plain stupid to some as far as what I want in a man, and me wishing and having hope that one day I will find someone out there that is just right for me, but I least I still care. I was hurt before too, but I 'manned-up' and moved on. I know this may seem a little Gigi from "He just not that into you", and I know that life doesn't always work out the way it does in a movie, but people we still have to care. What fun is living in a world where your friends no longer care about each other. When I asked him the simple question of whether he cares about me or not, all he did was start rapping some song (all 3x that I asked). I'm not gonna lie it hurt, because I care. I do a lot for the people I care about and all I ever ask in return is for some appreciation (which really isn't much). All in all, if you don't take anything else from this rant, I want you to just remember this, Life and people are worth caring about... despite how often some people let you down. Not everyone gets to have a fairy tale love, but it happens enough for me to have hope that I can have that too.

Doing Nothing to Get Something

So I know that most of us have heard the saying that when you stop looking for a man you'll find one. Well my best bud Tony dropped a little more knowledge on me that expanded this theory. He says that in order to get a man to take you out you have to act like you're not trying to get taken out. At least this is the case for him i guess, because when I asked my other friend mike he had a bit more stipulations. Basically tony was saying that he refuses to take a girl out that is always trying to go out. To him this girl (the one that is always hinting that she wants to go on a date) is not even worth his effort because to him all she is saying is that she wants him to spend his money on her. My initial defense to this was that if you don't at the very least make subtle hints that you want to be taken out how will he know that you would want to go, because a lot of times guys act like they are too afraid to ask a girl out because of some fear of rejection. His answer was simple, if the dude is too scared to ask you out then you don't need to be messing with him in the first place. His point of view is that a 'real' man would take it upon himself to ask the girl out. In my opinion this seems like something where the man wants to control the situation. Let the man be the man basically. So I decided that I would try to take this approach. When ever a guy of interest would come around and he would ask me what it is that I like to do I would just say, "nothing much, just chill, you know, I'm not really on anything in particular just whatever seems fun. I'm just a chill type of person." But to my dismay he would start to die laughing at me and say that my choice of words just wouldn't work. It was to the point that I was ready to give up on project do nothing, but then later that night Mike came through and offered me some advice. He basically just told me to do to some guy of interest the same as I would do to either him or tony. This became a bit more do-able because even though I am typically a very nice individual I tend to be more caring and patient towards them than with other guys. For example, when they come over to my house to chill I usually will make drinks, cook something for them to eat, and if they are spending the night make sure that they are comfortable on the pull out mattress. When I sat down to think about it I don't really do this stuff for anyone else that comes over, unless I'm hosting some kind of event. So there it is, my plan of action, do onto others that I would do to Mike and Tony... cool... I think I can handle that. Wish me LUCK!!!

Do you date a sherm???

Lately there has been a lot of discussion in my circle of Moes (Me, Michelle, Kalesia, Tony, and Mike) as to why girls date shermed out dudes. The topic itself causes a lot of conflict and controversy because in the end a lot of people are to blame. Let me give you the definition of a sherm.
A sherm is a person who just really has nothing going for themselves socially or physically, usually used to refer to a person without a job, not very smart, and lazy. Someone who really has no dreams or aspirations for themselves and always look to someone else to provide them with essential things that they fail to provide for themselves. The reason this becomes such a heated discussion is because no one wants to be the blame for why shermed out dudes get with respectable females. My friend Mike just recently stated that it's the woman's fault because of her natural desire to control their man. In his words " you can't control a real nigga, but you can control a sherm'. For example if you ask a 'real man' for his phone and he doesn't want you to see it he won't give it to you, but if you ask a 'shermed dude' for his phone he will give it to you because of his lack of self respect. Now this concept is still pretty fuzzy to me because it seemed that they kept saying that a 'real man' won't just do what a woman asks, but if they won't do what we ask what is the appeal? Why is it that I can't find a man why great credentials who will also do something that I ask them to do on occasion? I guess I'm just asking for too much because I don't want a sherm, but these 'real men' seem kinda harsh. Now this is going under the assumption that my friends mike and tony are 'real men' which for the most part I would say that they are, but i guess it is just hard for me to grasp why this is all of the woman's fault. I think that fault falls on a lot of people and that in order to resolve this issue everyone really just needs to be more selective.