Lost Soul

Hallelujah!!! Oh thank you SWEET BABY JESUS!!!!
It's been a while since I've felt like what I was doing with my life was what I had been called to this world to do. Those who know me know that I'm an all around hustler. I do what ever it takes to make the money... (please don't take that in a negative light). I am a firm believer in never going backwards in lifestyle and at this point I am a full-time college student with my own apartment pay my own bills just all around independent woman. The things I do in order to maintain this lifestyle are as follows: cashier, parking cashier, senior independent beauty consultant with Mary Kay, Actress, Singer, promoter... pretty much whatever it takes to make it. Yet, even with all of these extra-curricular activities I was not feeling fulfilled. It's been brought to my attention that I take on so many things because I have a fear of being alone, I had to think about that... A LOT! I fear solitude. Why is this? We I'm not sure exactly, but I do know that I shouldn't fear loneliness. My only way of finding this answer would be to call on my Lord to see me through. In these past weeks, possibly months, that I've felt a sense of emptiness I had been lacking in my personal relationship with God. I've been saying to myself that I don't need to go to church in order to have a strong relationship with Him, but in order for that to work you have to make a persistent effort to make that connection with Him. I mean, I couldn't even give you a full gospel song in it's entirety. Im not saying that religion is all about the music, but I'm just saying. From this moment on I need to focus more on my Lord. I figure that once I get that part right then everything else will fall in place. Instead of praying for easy fixes to all of my mediocre dilemmas I should try something different... Possibly...

Lord,
I know that I haven't been the most obedient and humble sheep in your heard, but I come to you now to seek your guidence. My life has been all out of order and the way that I've been living and acting has not been working out for me. People are pulling away from me, those who say that they respect me go behind my back. People have such great expectations of me and I'm afraid that I'm letting them down. Please give me the strength to keep pushing towards success. Please help me follow in your footsteps and gain compassion towards others. Help me gain humility because I know that everything that I do isn't great let alone right. I am only human and no matter how much I'd like to be divine the closest thing that I can get to divinity would be through our fellowship. Please stay close to me lord, keep me in your heart and I shall keep you in mine.
Amen

Here's to hoping... or should I say praying?

Mid-West Tradition

Hello world.

Well I came back home to Winnebago for the weekend and it made me realize even more how Chicago isn't really for me. I had 2 exams and a chem lab on friday and please believe that I was on the first thing smoking back home. As soon as the bus made it in it was hello apple doughnuts, home cooking, and a lot of family time. It made me realize how great the mid west's traditions are. In my mind the mid west is a fall time area because it's nothing but trees, corn and food. Did I mention Food??? I mean no where else have I seen a premium Apple doughnut. As much as I tried to get people to come home with me to enjoy all of the splendor that is Winnebago they just bail, but that's ok because It means more doughnuts for me. If I've gained anything from this trip besides weight it's that I really am a country kinda girl. Im not saying that I want to live on a farm because I hate animals, but I can say that this is the type of enviroment that I can see myself raising a family. Yes that means babies! Perhaps I can handle a relationship after all now that I know what I want, which is my dad... scary, but true. I need a nice country boy who can handle city living.

Well this has been enlightening... please pray for me and tell Jesus to send me

In the Pursuit of Sanity

As I sit here downing a turkey breast sandwich on white bread with miracle whip and hotsauce and some extra yummy arizona rasberry iced tea I'm reflecting on the activities that occurred last night. I was invited to an open mic at my friend's house. Upon arrival I could tell simply by viewing the guest in attendance it was going to be a night to remember. It started out innocent enough reminiscing back on childhood fights and such, then there was a liquor/ narcotics run (that led to liquor no narcotics) then there were lapdances and some inappropriate male female interactions, but then some mind blowing stuff happened. About six of us sat down and had an intense discussion on life and relationships between men and women. Those who know me know that I hold a monthly gathering of young adults and discuss issues that affect us today. This night truly encompassed the essence of my Round Table Discussion. These men and women truly 'dropped knowledge' on everyone in attendence. Everyone had something to say, no one just sad on the sideline everyone was passionate about this topic and it really did bring joy to my heart. The people in attendence were as follows: Me (Alicia Mann), Kory, CJ, Herman, Michelle, and Kalesia. Also known as So-!LL and Team MAK. Here's the basic jist of the whole discussion.



Inquiry: What is it that men desire in a woman? How do they chose which women they would make their girlfriend opposed to just some chick? How important are looks in a relationship? What are the differences between the full grown women and little girls? What separates Grown men from 'Niggas'?



Solution: Be patient. Know how to determine whether a man or women is there to enrich your life or if they are just there to get what they want at that moment. Know what you are willing to compromise in a relationship and if it will truly be worth it in the end. Surround yourself with people who are looking to do better with their lives, when they are doing good for themselves it reflects upon you as well.



Great points of the discussion: A woman can never change a man, but she can make a man want to change.

The actions of a misguided young girl should never be mistaken with the actions of a full grown woman.

Know what you want in a relationship before you go looking for one.



I suggest that if you are interested in getting a clear perspective on how the male psyche works about relationships that you read Steve Harvey's Think like a Man Act like a Lady.



Best of luck to you in the search of love, I'll keep you posted on mine.

Is it sexy?

Here I am a young single black woman in the big city living out my deams and reaching goals... Now doesn't that sound nice? It sounds like everything is everything, but alas I can't shake the feeling that something was wrong with that statement. Oh yes... the single part. Now it seems to me that a young lady like myself shouldn't have to worry about finding a suitable partner, but that seems not to be the case here in Chicago. Now I'm from a small town called Winnebago (but I usually say Rockford because it's more recognizeable) and there I had some standard problems with finding a man. I wasn't a size 2, my hair wasn't long and flowing, and oh yes I was black! Yet, even there I still was able to find half way decent guys to bide my time with, but in Chicago... that's a whole other story. I couldn't find a man even if I tried. Well let me rephrase that, I couldn't find a man who didn't require me to make unreasonable compromises in my standards if I tried. No matter where I look, no matter how hard I try, I can't get a man. What is it that men around here want. Now I have a lot of male friends who give me a list of things they want in a woman, but when I go through the list of women they've been involved with it is completely different. So is this a 'do as I say and not as I do' type of deal or should I just follow what their actions show me? If this is the case I'm going to need to change up my whole classic girl next door image and go for straight: tight short clothing, big long weaves, and so long proper english and hello ebonics. Then again... I could just wait until Dental School when I move away from this strange place. Yea.. That's a better plan.